Life has new meaning to me

Dragging my feet as I walked up the steps of the 38L (limited) Muni bus, I felt the winter like wind penetrating my sweatshirt. The journey home after a long day at work was still an hour or so away. My head was down as I pulled out my Fast Pass and showed it to the bus driver. As I started toward to find my place on the bus, the bus driver held on to my Fast Pass and said, "Hey, Hey." I didn't know what was wrong. Then he held on to my hand. The first thought that came to my mind was, "Is there something wrong with my Fast Pass?" Then the bus driver said, "I just want to shake your hand. I'd followed your story on TV. I know who you are. It's so good to finally meet you in person." All the while he was holding on to my hand. As the bus roared down the street heading toward downtown, the bus driver expressed to me how warm he felt each time he saw me on TV. He then apologized for calling me out and holding on to my hand. He said he didn't know what else to do when he recognized me. I told him I thought I had done something wrong. He then started talking rapidly about his feeling on my experience and transformation, as well as how he could relate to my story. What really hit me was when he told me my story made him feel that life truly is meaningful.

Before the swirling Spring wind engulfed me as I descended the steps of the bus at the Powell street stop, I got to know that Gordon came to the US from Hong Kong when he was 12; he could have been in my shoes; he had been driving the bus for 9 years.

Being recognized on the bus and on the streets is not a rare occurrence for me. Due to ethnic media support and community's acceptance of my new role in life, I got to meet many wonderful folks who had kept me focused and not go astray. For that, I am always grateful.

Thanks to Gordon, life has another renewal meaning to me.

For the future that is now...

...the words of Nellie Wong printed on the poetry book "the DEATH of LONG STEAM LADY" she gave me. The book was printed in 1986. At 74, Nellie's pen continues to flow on paper and penetrates our hearts with her thoughts through observations in the presence... how lucky am I to get a limpse of her creativity... I wait patiently for her Chinese chicken salad...

I am still here

Happy new breath everyone!

It's been way too long since I've written in my blog. Time is flying by. A couple of my friends reminded me tonight that they used to read my blog all the time to keep up with my updates. I had a good time writing everyday. I appreciated the opportunity to share my thoughts with folks in the free world. I still do, but I do it through my job and speaking engagements. I want to start writing again. I want to be connected to more people in the world.

Thank you for your support.

Breathin'

Your Life is a Miracle

Always love the following quote by Marianne Williamson. "God = Universe"

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated form our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Reentry works

San Francisco's 3rd Annual Reentry Summit took place today at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts. Public Defender Jeff Adachi, District Attorney Kamala Harris, Sheriff Hennessy, Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi and the Safe Communities Reentry Council consolidated their effort to promote the importance of providing resources for the formerly incarcerated.

The hightlight of the summit was witnessing so many formerly incarcerated people gathered in one space to share their success stories. As we all know, more often in times, the formerly incarcerated gets a bad rap. The mainstream media and majority of the politicians only hightlight the violence on the streets, high crime rates and high recidivism rate. Hardly is there mention of those who had changed their lives and are making significant contribution in the community in reducing violence and create a safer society for all. Where's the media when we need them? I guess what does bleed doesn't lead continues to be the media policy.

The Safe Community Reentry Council produced a resource guide for those who are incarcerated and formerly incarcerated to help their reentry. It called "GETTING OUT & STAYING OUT A Guide to San Francisco Resources for People Leaving Jails and Prisons." People who are interested in getting copies of the guide can contact reentry.council@sfgov.org

San Francisco has more resources and funding in comparasion to many other cities. Yet, not much has change when it comes to address the root cause of violence. The resource guide for the incarcerated and formerly incarcerated is only a small BandAid to a systemetic societal problem. Until there is a just system of law that truly treats everyone equally, abolition of the Prison Industrial Complex is an alternative.

After all, good intentions without substance only prepetuates the cycle of violence and recidivism.

Reentry works? Only if you work it? Reentry to what?

Critical Resistance 10 (CR10)

When the first historic Critical Resistance conference took place in 1998 on UC Berkeley campus I was in San Quentin State Prison serving a life sentence. How I had wished that I could attend the conference and represent the voices of prisoners. Since I had no idea when I was going to be a part of the free world, I participated the conference by listening to KPFA.

That was ten years ago. This weekend Critical Resistance celebrated its ten year anniversay in highlighting the theme of prison abolition. Another historical conference took place. This time I was there. I had the priviledge of participated in a workshop with the Asian Prisoners Support Committe, Rico Riemedio and German Yambao. We were able to discuss the alarming population rise of Asian and Pacific Islander (API) prisoner in the past 20 years, the impact of incarceration particular to API prisoners, their families and the community, language barriers, deportation, mental health, and the lack of cultural compentent resources that are necessaried to facilitate their rehabilitation. We also talked about the book "Other: an Asian & Pacific Islander Prisoners' Anthology."

I appreciate the presence of members of The Asian Prisoner Support Committee (APSC) Ben Wang, Sun Lee, and Serena Huang. For the past three years they have worked with API prisoners to educate the broader community about the growing number of APIs in the U.S. being imprisoned, detained, and deported. APSC seeks to expose the root causes of why more and more APIs are going to prison, such as the crisis of our educational system, the lack of access to resources for low-income immigrants, war and imperialism.

During the CR10 weekend, I was able to reconnect with old friends and made new friends and allies. The massive concentration of knowledge occupying the sacred space at Laney college of Oakland California examplified people's power and determination to the mission of abolishing the Prison Industrial Complex.

The struggle continues...

Super huge shout outs to all the volunteers and members of CR for their contribution in making CR10 a memory that will last throughout the space of time.

Reaching out to Oakland

I live in Oakland, but I work in San Francisco. Therefore, most of my time is spent in San Francisco. I've been doing many speaking engagements in middle schools, high schools, colleges, universities and community based organizations. Whenever I get invitations to share my experience with people, I am there. However, most of my speaking engagements have been conducted in the city where I work.

It's known that San Francisco has more resources to service the youth and community than Oakland. I wanted to do more speaking in Oakland, especially sharing with the youth. Thankfully, the National Council on Crime and Delinquency gave me the opportunity to reach out to the youth population in Oakland. I spoke at Roosevelt Middle School this afternoon to promote self respect, importance of education and being responsible to about a hundred youth. I also had the pleasure of connecting with folks from the East Bay Asian Youth Center. It's the beginning of a series of talk in Oakland schools. I always welcome the opportunity to share with others.

So Oakland, here I come.

Policing

During traffic hour the Bart is often packed. But I'd rather take the Bart going to the city of San Francisco than driving through the traffic on the freeway any day. Plus, riding the Bart allows me to be in the presence of people and observe their behaviors.

I was riding the Bart the other day and witnessed an exchange that bothered me. A Caucasian Lady was getting on the Bart with her bike, but an Asian gentleman stopped her. He stated that no bike should be in the Bart during rush hours. It says so on the sign, he pointed at the wall. The lady said there's room for her and the bike. Another Caucasian lady told the lady to just get on. She got on. The gentleman's face was contorted by her defiant. As the Bart came to a stop at the next station, the gentleman pulled out his IPhone and took a picture of the lady with the bike like a Secret Service agent. There's a hint of a smile on his face, a I'll teach you to defy me satisfaction.

I took a deep breath and let it out.

War - what is it good for?

I remember standing on top of the cold and gray metallic table on the yard reciting a poem to two African American prisoners and a prison guard holding his Mini-14 rifle looking down from the yard tower. That was five years ago. I wrote the poem on war when I was in San Quentin's solitary confinement as a result of signing the proposal advocating for Ethnic Studies in the college program. I had plenty of time in the cell to write since I was locked up 24/7. Once I finished the poem, I couldn't wait to share it with people. I had a limited audience then. Sadly, five years later, the killing continues in Iraq. Therefore, I want to share the following poem with all of you...

A Peace Making War

For Yuri Kochiyama, Nellie Wong, and the Iraqi people

By Eddy Zheng

4/16/03

There is a war raging in Iraq

No No No

Not the war that is killing human beings

to terminate a regime and set up a puppet government

to maintain control over oil and natural resources

to exert political and military dominance

to preserve the superpower status

to hoard the largest arsenal of weapons of mass destruction

No No No

There is a peace-making war going on in Iraq

the United States Great Britain and their allies are waging a war

out of desperation again poverty

the troops are hundreds of thousands strong

circling Iraq like worker bees

As a warning to the Iraqi people of their peace mission

B-52 bombers are dropping tons of food and medicine

to ensure Saddam Hussein and his guards from resisting

reconnaissance planes are spying and locating their positions

so B-1 bombers can drop loud speakers and radios playing “Blowing in the Wind”

As a humble gesture the Air Force waits until nightfall

and sends out stealth bombers to drop off more food undetected

Satellites are pinpointing the most poverty-stricken areas

so smart bombs and laser-guided missiles can deliver

supplies to each household with precision

E-8C Joint Stars Grounds Surveillance planes

are hovering over Iraq 24/7

whenever a child is spotted without clothes

Apache helicopters are dispatched to drop some off

whenever a woman is spotted being verbally or physically abused

Blackhawk helicopters are dispatched to send a team

of Alternative to Violence facilitators to settle the conflict

checkpoints are set up to make sure no one gets away

without getting his or her needs met

During all the food bombings it is reported that several missiles

full of rice accidentally went to North Korea

MI Abrams tanks are delivering yellow roses to all women

acknowledging their bravery for enduring an oppressive government

The 3^rd Battalion 7^th Infantry regiment is going door to door

to deliver books school supplies computers and sporting goods to kids

the C-130 cargo planes are delivering

tons of foods clothes water medicine blankets vegetables trees

Thousands of teacher doctors nurses environmentalists engineers economists

volunteered

to rebuild schools hospitals houses mosques roads power plants parks playgrounds

F-18 Hornet Fighter Jets are making runs at the rate of

6000 food sorties a day

Day by day the troops are taking over cities villages towns ports

everywhere they roll poverty is eliminated

ABC CBS CNN NBC FOX are covering this peace-making war

daily globally

Citizens of the earth are supporting the humanitarian troops

people are pouring into the streets in shifts

singing “Peace is Flowing Like a River”

donating food clothes supplies money

writing letters of encouragement signs of solidarity

Police officers are all over the place

instead of riot gear batons shields tear gas bean bags wooden pellets

they set up refreshment stations help collect donated items

give out good Samaritan citations

As the war comes to an end

the only casualties are

facial soreness from smiling too much

exhaustion from delivering food

faint spells from the natural high of helping people

dehydration from celebrating

The Iraqi people are liberated

No more

sanctions hunger hatred subjugation of women

persecution of non-believers

oppressive government prisons poverty

The nations of the world are rejoicing

they are wondering

Is the peace-making war on poverty over?

No No No

The peace-making war does not stop with Iraq

rumor has it

Syria North Korea Iran Cuba are next

The magnanimous and fearless leader

Mr. George Walker Bush vows

until the United States gets rid of poverty globally

there is no stopping him

Hallelujah

The peace-making war in poverty is spreading like SARS

can you hear it

Crazy laughter

can you see it

Happy tear

can you smell it

Peace potion

can you feel it

Mad love

can you taste it

Sweet victory

Yes Yes Yes

at last at last

for the first time in her-story

America lives up to its manifest propaganda

we are a peaceful nation

Hallelujah

22

Twenty two years ago today I committed a crime that changed the lives of an innocent family, my family and myself. Whenever I think about my crime, I feel ashamed. I will always feel that way until I take my last breath.

I have moved on with my life. However, my past dictates who I am today. Therefore, I will continue to pay for the wrongs I've done. That is called karma. As I share my experiences with the youth, I always emphasis the point "When you do good things, good things will happen to you; when you do bad things, bad things will happen to you." The things that happened in my life is the perfect example.

2008 is going to be another awesome year for me. As long as I am freed and dedicated in serving the youth and community, everything is going to be all good.

Happy new year everyone!

Con Artist

There is a con artist going around in San Francisco's Tenderloin district targeting youth non-profit organizations.

This afternoon I received a call from a person from a collaborative youth organization telling me that her laptop and cell phone were taken by a con artist.

Well, that was the same person who came to my organization and got me for my personal cell phone.

The guy claimed to work for Charles Swabb and was dropping off some donated computers for the organization. He asked for tax write-off receipt. Then he would scope the place out while pretending to learn more about the organization. Next he would ask for some coffee as a distraction. Then he would make his move to take valuables while nobody's looking.

The reason he got me was because he said he was going to donate 150 gifts for the youth in the Christmas party that the Community Youth Center is organizing. I got too excited and never saw all the warning signs.

So far this guy had struck twice and succeeded. He's going to do it again until he's caught. Hopefully it will be soon.

Here's his profile:

Light skinned black male
early 40s to mid 40s
around 6 foot 1
approximately 175lbs to 180lbs
solid built
almost shaved head
wore big name brand sunglasses
wore hat or beanie
claimed to be from Charles Swabb to donate computers
claimed to left cell phone and business card in his car
carries a remote home entertainment system as prop
ask for coffee to distract attention so he can scope out the area and makes his move

Much to be Thankful for

It's my first thanksgiving as a freed man and an adult. I spent it with my family eating a traditional meal of turkey, mashed potato, sweet potato, stuffing and pumpkin pie. My grandfather used to cook for the family on thanksgiving when I was a kid. Now my Dad is the cook. Being able to sit at the table with family to enjoy a variety of home cooked food is heavenly. After dinner, I was able to sit in a hot tub accompanied by the crystal clear moon and twinkle stars. Can life get any better than that?

I'm grateful for the support of my family and friends over the years to enable me to experience so many first encounters in life. I'm thankful to have your presence in my life.

Happy new month

It's the first day of November. That's means we're two months away from 2008. Time flies as usual.

My blogging is still sporadic. I still need to set up my wireless at home so I can get online. Sometimes I miss being able to write my blogs daily and send them to Jeanne so she can post them for me.

I went to my first professional football game last Sunday. It's the 49ers vs. the New Orlean Saints. The game wasn't too exciting because the Saints destroyed the Niners. However, after watching football games all my life on a tv screen, I didn't care about the outcome of the game. One of the best part of being in the game was being with old friends.

My work as a street outreach worker puts me in contact with many API youth. Last Friday, when I was able to conduct a conflict mediation between about 80 Chinese youth successfully, I felt my work was validated. I couldn't help but reflect on the times that I'd done conflict mediation when I was in prison successfully. I utilized the same technique to resolved a potentially violent situation. Then I was able to provide part time job for a couple of the youth as well as developed relationships with them. I love my job.

In the next two months I will be experiencing many firsts. My mind and heart are opened.

The 21st Century Angela Davis

Last Sunday I had the opportunity to attend a fundraiser at Angela Davis' home for preparation of the 10th anniversary of Critical Resistance conference next year. I was curious to meet the person that I had read and heard so much about while I was in prison. According to different literature, Angela Davis was a revolutionary woman who was in the Black Panther's Party, a comrade of George Jackson and other Black revolutionaries among many other things.

When I arrived at Angela Davis' house, the million dollar scenery immediately captured my attention. Then I saw all the white people packed the house. There's two black caters cooking food in the kitchen, a white bartender serving wine. The music was jamming while people eat, drink, mingle and enjoying the view. Then, for the first time in my life, I saw Angela Davis. She looked different from the pictures I saw on books. She's not dark skinned nor does she has an Afro. Instead she wore her golden dyed hair short with curls and her skin was bronze color.

Angela Davis made her pitch to raise funds for next year's Critical Resistance Conference and people donated. At one point she asked whether anyone would like to say something. I was tempted to ask some questions, but decided to hold my tongue for the fear that I would ruin the event. However, I did introduce myself to her.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me - Hi, Ms. Davis. My name is Eddy Zheng. I just want to say hi.
Davis - Hi. Didn't we meet...?
Me - No, this is first time we meet.
Davis - Are you working with the Critical Resistance?
Me - No, I work for CYC for the Community Response Network - Asian Pacific Islander in San Francisco. But I will be participating in the Critical Resistance conference next year.
Davis - So you will be involve with the Critical Resistance.
Me - Yes. Nice to meet you.

I left Angela Davis' house thinking that her house must worth 2 million dollars.

SFSU

Not everyone can stand in front of an audience and speak comfortably. I am fortunated to have no fear when it comes to public speak. Just give me a forum and I can talk for hours, especially when I am talking about myself.

Professor Russell Jeng from the San Francisco State University's Asian American Studies class invited me to speak to the students. It was an honor for me to share my story and experience with university students because they are willing to lisen. One thing I learned from my talk was I need more time to share my story. In order for my sharing to be effective, I have to have two hours. So one thing I thought of doing is to design a curriculum to teach in a class format. That way I can cover all the issues that people are interested in.

I enjoyed sharing with the students after class. They are a captive audience. As the school year continues, I will have many opportunities to share my experiences in the university setting.

Sitting

Counting breath without thinking about anything is extremely difficult. I'm only talking about counting from one to ten. As I was sitting among a community of people during meditation, I noticed that I've been out of practice. My mind was roaming so fast that I couldn't keep up with counting my breathing one breath at a time. However, there's this comfortable and familiar feeling settled within me. It allowed me to be in the presence with those around me. As usual, the support from the community sustained me. After all, it was my first sitting with a community of people of color.

A new friend invited me to the evening sitting that she'd organized in her house. I decided to go check it out since I haven't been meditating in a group setting. Since she lived fairly close to my house, I rode my bike to her place. It's my first time riding my bike going from and to a destination. (I experience many firsts.) Once everyone showed up for the sitting, we did two rounds of stretches that each one took turns to lead. Then we sat for thirty minutes. After that, we shared tea, fruit and how we felt about the sitting. Through the sitting, I realized how much I missed sitting with a community of people for personal healing.

Sitting is living...sitting is being...sitting is healing

Little Rooms

A friend was sharing with me that for the first time in her life she is living in a big room by herself. As the conversation went on, I realized that I never lived in a big room by myself my entire life. When I was in China, I slept with my aunt on a bed that was made up with two wooden stood and four planks of wood. I shared the room with my sister and brother. After I came to the US, I slept in the living room sofa and shared a room with my sister. Then the 21 years I was locked up, I slept in rooms that are smaller than any average bathroom at home. Now I'm still sleeping in a room about the size of a bathroom. (I'm not complaining at all.) I find it interesting that I didn't noticed this fact until now.

I wonder what effect it has on me psychologically having slept in small rooms all of my life, if any.

Body Fat

For the longest time I thought I have about 10% body fat (not that I've measure it before) because I'm a fairly fit guy. So when the 24 Hour fitness trainer told me that I have 16% body fat, I was surprised. Not that having 16% body fat is a bad thing, I just thought I was better than that.

I joined 24 Hour Fitness (it's half a block from my work site)so I can workout to keep myself in shape, but it's difficult to make time to exercise. The good thing is I am getting up early to jog around Lake Merritt three times a week. If I can only make it to the gym three times a week, I will be a happy camper.

Physical and mental healthy are extremely important. I can't see myself not exercising and just vegetate.

Independence Day

Today is the People's Republic of China's Independence Day. It's going into its 58th year. Wherever there's mainland Chinese people in the world, they're celebrating. They're proud to be Chinese. However, whether everyone likes the way the current Chinese government is running the country, that's another story. After all, the ambitious ideology of pursuing a socialist and communist system has disappeared with the embrace of opening to the west and market reform. Capitalism has once again reversed the communist revolution. Freedom comes with conditions. Democracy becomes the new jingoism. "It's the end of the world as we know it." That's just the lyric of a song.

Mao proclaimed at the steps of Tienanmen Square to the world in October 1, 1949, "The Chinese people have stood up." I wonder whether the people are still standing.

Random Thoughts

I'm sitting in Joe's cubicle at the Mission Community Response Network (CRN)in San Francisco typing this. I'm waiting for him to get his street outreach team ready so we can hit the streets of Mission where gangs are a fixture. I'll be riding with the Mission CRN team to observe how it serve its neighbor in this fight to reduce violence in the community. It's one way for me to learn and collaborate with other street outreach worker so I can maximize my potential to help the Asian Pacific Islander community.

The more I get into my work the more I notice how busy I can be. I want to keep up with writing my blog daily, but somehow I can't seem to find time to sit down and write. There's so much I want to share with everyone about my experiences and observations as a return member to this "free world."

Though I've only been out here for a little over 6 months, I feel like I've been out here for along time - staying busy all the time is a factor.

I live in Oakland and work in San Francisco so I have to commute to work daily. However, I don't have a licence to drive. But I've gotten my driving permit and is learning how to drive. Yes, I knew how to drive when I was a kid - driving recklessly. I did get scared when I was got behind the wheel. I was afraid that I would hit the parked cars or the cars coming toward me. I didn't have a feel for the road. I didn't have that problem when I was a kid. I was fearless. As an adult, I'm more cautious and aware of the potential danger comes with driving.

I was on the panel in the Public Defender's second annual Safe Community Reentry Summit yesterday in San Francisco State University. Though there was a lack of API presence, I was able to highlight the issues dealing with API prisoners who are incarcerated in California's 33 prisons. There's a dire need for education and providing resources that are cater to the API population.

The Cliff House restaurant at Ocean Beach serves delicious food with a million dollar view.

Ishle Yi Park says, "Work is love." I love my work.